I remember those times quite vividly even now. Now that my mind has been afflicted with age and disease, I struggle to remember the day before last, so strange, realizing finally how I must have replayed these hurts over and over in my head, continuing to feel punished just as those from my past did to me then. In one familiar memory I remember most Sundays after church lining up in front of my parents bedroom doorway behind my brother Terry and he was waiting behind his paternal twin, Tack. Then we would slowly slink over to the gigantic purple triangular chair. There she sat waiting for us with a leather strap in her hand. One by one we were called over and told to take our pants down. We then had to lay front down across her big lap and her arm would raise up and as she swung she told us yet again how there will be no arguing or fighting in church. She was a scratch golfer then so her swing was quite lethal. But hey she was no dummy. Being a registered nurse gave her the edge of knowing where tell tale marks would not perpetuate for long. There would be no ruckus whatsoever to embarrass her again. We each took our turns and me being youngest and last I had the luxury of seeing her beat them both as well as experience my own.
I did not deserve those beatings. My adopted brothers I am reluctant to defend, although I feel beating is not an answer for any positive outcome. They were mean, selfish and did horrible things to me most of my life and so I have trouble feeling sorrow for them. I have no problem pitying them for their loss, (my loss as well but I am willing to lose and walk away when the price is too high to stay) their destruction of us ever sharing the fruits of what a family can truly be in a person’s life. Those closest to me growing up were dramatic, imposing, physically and emotionally traumatic. I on the other hand did not develop as they for the very reason I was their target. Well maybe I did learn the self love part but in a preservation kind of way. Developing a personality and persona conducive to warding off the offensive behaviors and treatment that was displayed upon me continually for many years. I do not ask for pity in my memories of bad emotional days. I am desperate for some understanding of what I endured, endure and am still working to undo enough to stop enduring the conditioning and conditioned response that has become my norm. Being able to stop a certain behavior requires practice and failing sometimes. It is the failing that cuts me off. Most people I know get umpteen chances at things. Not me. I have lived with and around and read about every damn day people who break all the rules but yet somehow there they are, not really being punished the same way as others. I am just as worthy as anyone and I deserve a chance. I feel people expect me to behave a certain way and to adapt and adopt things as they do and I do not believe in this. I walk to the beat of a different drummer so to speak and I do not just fit in. I am want to connect with people on a personal and genuine level. I don’t do superficial well and I am not inclined to be tactful unless I feel it is warranted. I have no idea where I do fit in in life. That is one huge reason I am writing my guts and having restless years trying to develop into a similar persona of what I should have been from my beginning. This time was stolen from me. It was used up in hurtful ways against me I had no control over. Do you have children? Do you drink to get away from all the pressures around you? Do you escape from your kids or worse yet show them coping skills that may set them up for failure throughout their live’s? I mean how many people out there know what self honesty is and use it on themselves to walk a road of self responsibility? I mean come on, really? Do you?
Alchohol is just as crippling of the human experience as heroin addiction, methamphetamine or even CRACK. The alchoholics life can be flamboyant, appear as if they drink social levels or even secret their habits. The result is the same in its crippling of the mind and body. Many an alchoholic has an unstable and changing perspective of things around them. They work hard to continue feeding this habit which allows them to continue getting the emotional and physical charge/change it produces. Drinking can completely undermine what we are really capable of at that moment only the drinker usually fails to realize or admit this side effect well documented from drinking. They usaully insist that all is functioning as “normal” and it will be FINE. Bullshit bullshit, bull fucking shit. It will not be fine if you drink habitually and rely on it’s effect to feel better, to feel numb or whatever. When you are not feeling sober just KNOW it affects the people around you a hell of a lot more than your willing to admit.
