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C’mon Everybody… October 31, 2007

Filed under: Feelings — diedonthevine @ 7:07 am
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People we have to start somewhere.

 

 

It would be so awesome if every one registered to vote and then makes every effort to vote next November!!!

 

 

I miss days past when people around me were outraged over public immorality and immoral business practices.  I geuss what I really miss is people working together for common goals that benefit us all.  I do not get a sense of this from most people within my domain.

 

 

Some Americans work very hard at being “good” citizens. 

 

 

 Do you think this is really true today?

 

 

I think the USA today is a facing a dire crossroad that will move us either closer to our needs or we will allow a leader to be chosen who does not have the majority of Americans best interests in their plan. 

 

 

We will end up making a pretty damn good choice or we will screw it up and choose another self serving money driven sell out like the one present now calling the shots.  The wrong choice will only end up fleecing the public and feathering there own nest and the nest of there chosen cohorts

 

 

DAMN IT  pEople,

take the appropriate time and

CHOOSE WISELY!

 

 

Apathy contd… October 30, 2007

Filed under: Feelings, Social conscience, Society — diedonthevine @ 6:33 pm
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Other anamolies that permeate our society that are inconsistent with what we want the result to be:

Our government claims to want healthy (my meaning of healthy encompasses these three components – physical, emotional and pyschological) citizens  YET THEY DO LITTLE TO ENSURE THIS OUTCOME.

examples:  Society expects it’s citizens to abide by laws  vs. society’s lack of conviction through education and walking the talk of this expectation. 

I am not expressing myself as clearly as I had hoped or as clear as it is to me inside my thoughts.  Let me attack this point another way.

In my life I have felt an enormous pressure by my parents, teachers and all the others who have crossed my path to conform to certain “standards”, the problem I found personally and I see it in the lives of others is that we are all expected to somehow rise to this certain LEVEL, shall we say which represents a full functioning, law abiding, law respecting, citizen and you are expected to find a means to pay for your “support” as you live, unless of course there are other factors at play preventing this.  But for the sake of my argument I will only be speaking in the ideal of people who have all the potentials present to evolve into a “good citizen”.

We want people to know right from wrong, yet as a society we do nothing to ensure this from the beginning.  We allow families huge latitudes in rearing with no support, no education, no preparation (yes, I agree there are some physical supports but very little for emotional or pychological) standards to be met, no clear cut initiatives to instill the same moral values across the board to all new citizens.  This realm is left hazy and unstructured left up to the family themselves to navigate through.  Some families have evolved well, there belief structures are strong and they are able to model this strength and commitment to their offspring which in turn gives them rise to grow but other families in America are not so lucky.  They have been mired down in abuse, addictions, deceit, which in turn makes the focus of there family one of secrecy, denial, usually dishonesty must be present to keep the negative behaviors working.  You cannot openly abuse or commit negative actions on children now without some fear of repercussions so this mandates that families still afflicted with these burdens must deceive and hide to enable their way of life to continue. Clearly these families mired down historically in deceit, racism, preying upon, manipulation of others, stealing, lying, cheating, any and all these negative life circumstances really have little incentive to change coupled by the fact that they have no idea how to achieve a want outside the family dynamic or create something they have never experienced for themselves.  They become most adept at reliving and re-inventing the same “life” that was familiar to them. Change can be frightening and seem insurmountable.  Yet with a structured methodology, a plan that allows for human flaws, a specific initiative to move away from that could change much in peoples live.  It is always easy for ”outsiders” to look in on these families and only see the superficial, preferring to believe that if they just tried harder, if they just believed in God, if they just loved themselves, IT IS NOT ABOUT THAT FOR MOST OF THESE VICTIMS within these types of families.  From young ages, these children become indoctrinated through various ways dependent on the particular family dynamic, and until some tumultuous event eclispses their lives, they are incapable of leaving a past without a clear path and support on that path to a new and different future.  Just being told it is good, it is right, it is the LAW is not enough motivation for years of opposite teachings.  There must be much more involved with having, building and maintaining a family if society expects ANY good from it’s majority of citizens.  This is not provided for adequately by any means.  Yet the expectation is enormous from our schools, governments and our fellow citizens who have clear paths.  They continue to judge and mitigate from there stellar perspectives, using there understandings when this will achieve very little.  The cure must come from within the torn families themselves for the effects to be biting and effective.  Just like an addict must first come to terms with their own addiction BEFORE they could ever hope to control it, so must the dysfunctional family unit still massively present here in America today, own up to it existence and destruction.  I do not blame for the past damage, I look to learn from it. I seek to initiate and motivate for serious changes in our basic fabric as Americans.  We need to support families and education more than any other ideal in this country today.  That should be the most important aspects of all of our lives.  We need strong family units, who will ultimately provide strong citizens educated to move forward in more aspects of their lives than than finding a way to make a living.  These people in these families need acceptance, support and they need mentoring from those stronger to help them redevelop themselves away from the negative family dynamics present.  Most of the blame lies within us all collectively as a “society” and our lack of concern, lack of commitment, lack of dollars used.  Just like EDUCATION in America, we relegate family life and child rearing to the winds of chance. (You know, I have heard it said a zillion times, “some people are born lucky, some people get all the luck”). This is poppycock nonsense, while there is some credence to statistics and odds and such, this in my opinion does not apply.  We just choose to let some things go, we do not include all, we do not live where we embrace one another’s sucess seeing our own success from it, we divide and conquer, we judge and characterize, dehumanizing people(families) who just don’t fit.  Homosexuals is a great example, and I have my own opinion about this, but regardless of my opinion, I choose to let others make their own choices as long as those choices do not directly impact me negatively.  I choose to believe that we are responsible for our own choices and with that responsibility comes ACCEPTANCE of the consequences that might ensue.  So many people I have met and known claim to be responsible for their actions, but the truth is when that responsibility is called into question they DO NOT ACCEPT their role.  They work diligently against acceptance of there choices.  This must STOP IF WE WANT THE WORLD TO CHANGE FOR THE BETTER!!! 

     Intolerance, hatred, violence are some of the present consequences in our lives today but again, the ones doing the hating committing these acts will still have to face what they choose and what consequences will come to them.  I would rather choose from tolerance, compassion, support, comraderie and so forth.  Wouldn’t you?  Live and let live is my creed, yet within this there must be a viable plan, a collective goal that allows for all types of personalities to manifest and bear positive fruits from its soul; seeing and knowing the value of living with honesty, compassion, awareness of the impact we have on those around us, awareness that we can change because we think, we reason, we create and we destroy. 

 THINK, REASON, CREATE, DESTROY

    These 4 truths about mankind is the single most powerful tool on the planet Earth we have to making our world what we really dream about.   We do not have strong open honest sexuality in this country, we only deal with ideals of sex and love on the surface peppered with scientific knowledge that is allowed so we can be ”healthy” but no across the board acceptance of our sexual nature as normal natural, our suppression of this, by this suppression we are telling each other it is not really valued, even though underneath sex is highly valued.  We do not as a society make that value known openly as good, normal, happy, life sustaining, we allow it to remain hidden, secret, dirty, you know what I mean, but this suppression is what gives rise to and substance to all the perversions attached to our sexuality. Let me just state I am not so naive to believe if sex ed was embraced and we could all come out of our closets and deal with human sexuality honestly, sensibly and openly compassionate we would respect ourselves more immediately, but over time this 180 degree turn would foster the seeds for such a thing to evolve and pornography in all of is many forms would not have a leg to stand on.  There will always be a black market mentality for some, some who never conform, some who will always take the road not chosen or used, even if that road is covered with pitfalls and dangers there will always be human souls willing to take those risks at the expense of others and this is the soul in our cosmos that needs re-education.

 

Apathy USA October 29, 2007

Filed under: Social conscience — diedonthevine @ 4:33 pm
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I am told I am American because  I was born in America. I was schooled in American ways in American schools by most Americans.  I do not feel American though.  I do not feel America today is remotely in line with the teachings that are instilled in us all early in our lives.  There is no democracy anymore, not sure there ever was anyway with slaves and all, there is certainly NO JUSTICE in America, there is no opportunity for ALL in America, only for SOME.  American culture and life is the biggest joke on this planet right now.  I mean talk about reality shows, the entire American government would be one in itself, dysfunctional, everchanging chaos amid the outrageous foibles and screw ups.  The second show would be based on the American people themselves and the daily inequalities, over the top ridiculousness and the apathetic based denial that the majority of people here live by.  

Mentally Ill,  that is what some people tell me I am because I have problems accepting certain situations in this world. 

I say BULLSHIT!  

 What I am is intolerant!!!   I CANNOT TOLERATE:

ALCHOLICS -   this addiction has brought much destruction in my life,(and I suspect yours too) encompassing physical, mentally and emotionally. Them not me,  were the drinkers, my parents, friends, lovers, the people I needed for love and support, let me down and left me in the cold.    

RACISM -

I DO NOT SEE COLOR WHEN I AM WITH YOU, WHEN I MEET YOU, WORK WITH YOU, GET TO KNOW YOU, VALUE YOU AS A PERSON, I SEE ONLY ANOTHER HUMAN BEING LIKE MYSELF!!

America and Americans are basically VERY RACIST PEOPLE!!!!!!

wHAT DID SHE SAY?  Yea u heard me, probably even you, are some of the worst racists on the planet.  White racists, black racists, teenager racists, hell we even have children racists in this country.  Americans show bias in almost every action we take in this country on every level from children on up.  What we are biased ABOUT is the changing face.  Race, sexual orientation, gender are good examples for now.  Yea I know you say we have laws against that, SO FUCKING WHAT, we have laws against a lot of bad things but the bottom line of reality is laws do not make people abide by them.  I do not believe enforcement from the get go is the answer to people abiding either.  I believe you have to find the way through awareness and honesty of the true value of laws and there real purpose.  Most people will defy laws today for many reasons but I think all those reasons can be boiled down into just a few core reasons.  One being, people do not understand fully or accept their own responsibility for themselves or the actions they take upon others or influence others.  For these denialists, laws are for other people, not them.  Also these types of people will immediately rush to use the law ONLY when in their favor, spouting how important laws really are, blah, blah blah, but let them be on the recieving end and there tune changes beat, tempo and stratosphere.  I cannot stand to live with these selfish self serving assholes!!!!!  

Mental Health, what the hell is that and who gets to decide who has it and who does not.  If I do not believe your beliefs and do not live my life according to society’s “norm” then I am told that I am NOT mentally healthy.  The US government is the most mentally unstable process in action in our country today.  Let just take a minute to look at what goes on in our government at the same time the government is asking it’s “people” to become “GOOD” citizens.  

1.  Balancing  a budget – our current adminsitration for 8 years now has destroyed the budget and sunk the American people into a deep pit of debt and dependence, just like the fringes of society out there, incapable of their day to day management, our collective government reflects the same inabilities as the worst crack head on the street.

As individuals, families and businesspeople, we are expected to live our lives within our means and to pay our bills on time, to live by a budget and be properous, contributing citizens giving our time and money to others/causes, but again within a budget because in our society it is deemed “responsible” to run your affairs this way. 

But on the other hand, again, there is always an underlying double message that young people pick up on immediately and this is one major reason lots of young people are apathetic.  They see that the grown ups running things in their world have no more idea of what to do, how to do, when to do than they themselves wrestle with. Some young people become extremely sensitive to the double standards in our society because these “standards” are affecting them or someone very close to them or maybe a role model they admire who has been affected by double standards or injustice because of the double standards. They see clearly and learn pretty quickly that the adults ”in charge” are OK with it because it is still used even when there are laws and open guidelines against it.  Young people have tremendous insight and awareness than most adults will acknowledge. The perception that controlling others will bring positive results is a fallacy.  Control only fosters negative processes even if the control is warranted or seen as necessary. Control of others while not controlling oneself is a prime example of a double standard played out everyday somewhere in families and work all over the world.  Children in many families have little value as indiviuals and they are more about fulfilling some role or agenda the parent/adult has already made a plan about. These types of experiences tend to  stifle a child’s natural gifts. This initial stifling of expression for these children will manifest negatively at different times and rates proportionate to the level of inhibition exerted upon them in their lives. Without substantial changes to real the integrity of the child’s life, the cycle will only repeat and regurgitate discombobulated youth full of betwixt and between(or they could become very militant and too definitive) and they will be easily swayed, led, influenced, you name it. The loss of self through denialism can have horrific consequences for these young lives as they continue to grow and become more mired in their confusion and misunderstandings.  Sadly,  if our society has it’s continued way with things, these young people will soon see the deep divide of what WE SAY as opposed to WHAT WE DO and they too will be on the path to self destruction possibly, or they may choose to vent their anger against others thinking this will make a change. (We see this with Columbine, Virginia Tech) Granted these indiviuals were in the extreme, but they had lost all hope in there lives, hope for a place that is based on truth and justice and equality.  You know, the stuff some people think they have and the stuff some people realize will never be.    

 

A moment in time 1962 October 19, 2007

Filed under: Feelings — diedonthevine @ 2:33 am
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          I remember those times quite vividly even now. Now that my mind has been afflicted with age and disease, I struggle to remember the day before last, so strange, realizing finally how I must have replayed these hurts over and over in my head, continuing to feel punished just as those from my past did to me then.  In one familiar memory I remember most Sundays after church lining up in front of my parents bedroom doorway  behind my brother Terry and he was waiting behind his paternal twin, Tack. Then we would slowly slink over to the gigantic purple triangular chair. There she sat waiting for us with a leather strap in her hand.  One by one we were called over and told to take our pants down.  We then had to lay front down across her big lap and her arm would raise up and as she swung she told us yet again how there will be no arguing or fighting in church.  She was a scratch golfer then so her swing was quite lethal.  But hey she was no dummy.  Being a registered nurse gave her the edge of knowing where tell tale marks would not perpetuate for long.  There would be no ruckus whatsoever to embarrass her again. We each took our turns and me being youngest and last I had the luxury of seeing her beat them both as well as experience my own. 

             I did not deserve those beatings. My adopted brothers I am reluctant to defend, although I feel beating is not an answer for any positive outcome.  They were mean, selfish and did horrible things to me most of my life and so I have trouble feeling sorrow for them.  I have no problem pitying them for their loss, (my loss as well but I am willing to lose and walk away when the price is too high to stay) their destruction of us ever sharing the fruits of what a family can truly be in a person’s life.   Those closest to me growing up were dramatic, imposing, physically and emotionally traumatic.  I on the other hand did not develop as they for the very reason I was their target. Well maybe I did learn the self love part but in a preservation kind of way. Developing a personality and persona conducive to warding off the offensive behaviors and treatment that was displayed upon me continually for many years. I do not ask for pity in my memories of bad emotional days. I am desperate for some understanding of what I endured, endure and am still working to undo enough to stop enduring the conditioning and conditioned response that has become my norm. Being able to stop a certain behavior requires practice and failing sometimes.  It is the failing that cuts me off.  Most people I know get umpteen chances at things.  Not me. I have lived with and around and read about every damn day people who break all the rules but yet somehow there they are, not really being punished the same way as others.   I am just as worthy as anyone and I deserve a chance.   I feel people expect me to behave a certain way and to adapt and adopt things as they do and I do not believe in this.  I walk to the beat of a different drummer so to speak and I do not just fit in.  I am want to connect with people on a personal and genuine level.  I don’t do superficial well and I am not inclined to be tactful unless I feel it is warranted. I have no idea where I do fit in in life.  That is one huge reason I am writing my guts and having restless years trying to develop into a similar persona of what I should have been from my beginning.  This time was stolen from me.  It was used up in hurtful ways against me I had no control over.  Do you have children?  Do you drink to get away from all the pressures around you?  Do you escape from your kids or worse yet show them coping skills that may set them up for failure throughout their live’s?  I mean how many people out there know what self honesty is and use it on themselves to walk a road of self responsibility?  I mean come on, really?  Do you?

Alchohol is just as crippling of the human experience as heroin addiction, methamphetamine or even CRACK.   The alchoholics life can be flamboyant, appear as if they drink social levels or even secret their habits.  The result is the same in its crippling of the mind and body. Many an alchoholic has an unstable and changing perspective of things around them. They work hard to continue feeding this habit which allows them to continue getting the emotional and physical charge/change it produces.  Drinking can completely undermine what we are really capable of at that moment only the drinker usually fails to realize or admit this side effect well documented from drinking.  They usaully insist that all is functioning as “normal” and it will be FINE.  Bullshit bullshit, bull fucking shit.  It will not be fine if you drink habitually and rely on it’s effect to feel better, to feel numb or whatever.  When you are not feeling sober just KNOW it affects the people around you a hell of a lot more than your willing to admit.  

 

It’s always a Catch-22 it seems… October 16, 2007

Filed under: Despair — diedonthevine @ 6:05 pm
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Well I struggled to get this blog rolling about 10 days ago, what prompted and motivated me was my financial demise.  I was let go in early Sept. from a job I only had 3 weeks.  I had been on unemployment before that but that is all gone. No more funds or social service help for me, mainly because I am white, 48 and my child is an adult now so the government has little to offer people like me when our lives fall apart.  I stupidly thought if I HONESTLY portray my dilemma to the “world” that some very kind caring souls would see my need and donate a small sum, $3 or $5 or maybe even $10 to my cause.  I was hoping that through this vehicle called a blog on the Internet highway that it might connect me with a god given solution as I was promted through prayer to try this before I am evicted and living in my car.  If that happens, it will be too late for me.  No house or address will mean no food stamps, will mean no doctor care or the drugs I must have to keep living a tolerable life so I can work. It is a monstrous catch 22 and I have been caught in this snare a very long time and I am getting too tired dodging all the late fees, extra extra everything I do just because I cannot find people anywhere to give me a chance and let me demonstrate my usefulness. 

 I mean this last job I had I performed excellently!  And I am not bragging. I was told this by our clients and boss.  It was the most fun I have ever had.  I worked a kid’s train in the mall and boy we had fun.  I love children.  They make me happy and I feel safe with them.  Anyway, I had two disputes with two other vendors in the mall on my time off and for this the Manager of the mall supposedly “ordered” my boss to LET ME GO.  I have never heard or seen such a thing in my life.  If I did not work at the mall, I could have had all the disputes I wanted, but because I was employed by one of the vendors I am not allowed to be dissatisfied with other vendors no matter how they treat me.  That is BULLSHIT.  So I was let go, no severence, no nothing.  My boss told me he was sorry because I DID A GOOD JOB, but he claimed he had to OBEY THE MALL MANAGER, even though all these choices and decisions were based on personal feelings not on business practices and standards. 

 I am desperate, it is now 40 days later and I have filled out collectively over 22 applications since then and only been called once for an interview.  My landlord is filing eviction on me today and I will have to be out of here in the next 14 days with no money or relatives or friends or ANYTHING AND I CANNOT LET THIS HAPPEN, I HAVE A DOG I LOVE AND A DAUGHTER WHO IS DEPENDING ON ME, WHO LOOKS TO ME TO TEACH HER HOW TO LIVE AND SOLVE HER OWN PROBLEMS. 

PLEASE, I AM ON MY KNEES, IF YOU HAVE A GENEROUS HEART AND YOU GIVE TO CHARITY, please consider giving a small amount to me.  I think giving money to charity is a noble deed, but many times the money really never impacts those who it is collected for, many times the bulk of the funds are used up by the “uneedy ones who are employed and drawing large salaries” to disperse and direct these charities.  Here is another Catch 22, I honestly and sincerely need help, I cannot get any from locally, state or nationally, I cannot get disability.  I do not want to sit on my ass feeling sorry for myself, I am willing to work, I am willing to do whatever I can, I just don’t know what that is and I cannot make people take the time to see my cause, most only care about their own.  Please if you can, please help me from living in the street, I have no one else to ask.  I am asking you to make a small donation. I have made this application through prayer and  I feel that  many such as you will come to my aid if I am honest and my heart NOT filled with greed.  I humbly ask this of all people, through Jesus Christ I pray.  God bless us all.

 

Hours later…. October 8, 2007

Filed under: Despair — diedonthevine @ 12:02 am

My pancreas is acting up again today.  Doctors cannot figure the cause nor can they prevent this, too depressed to recieve Hep C treatment, and my list goes on and on. 

The honest reason I am doing this is because I need help and I have tried everything locally and time is running out.  I will be in need of prepaying for my cremation within just a short time.  I am determined to do this before my daughter comes home from school.  I just hope I am OK long enough to see her.    I have been out of a job I was laid off from since March ‘07 and since Aug. 21 all my benefits are gone.  I keep trying to work but for one reason or another I CANNOT get a job to help me pay for my cremation much less pay my bills on time. I have hocked what little valuables I had left last week.  I lost the bulk of anything valuable 3 years ago in two hurricanes in Fort Pierce, FL.  Since that time I have had extreme difficulty getting on my feet and if not for my daughter my end would have already come. 

THIS IS WHY I AM ASKING FOR JUST A SMALL DONATION OF YOUR CHOOSING.

I know this is a bold request and in any other moment of my life I would never.

 but this time it is for real and I am going to be in the street and I will not be able to go the doctor nor get medicines nor qualify for social services (they require proof that you can pay your bills the next month).  I live in fear  that will be too much for me to handle.  

This is my last month for Internet service too.  I thought one lonely day last week what could I possibly do to try and stop what is going to inevitably occur.  Looking for the goodwill of others is all I have left.

 

The reality is…. October 7, 2007

Filed under: Feelings — diedonthevine @ 3:47 pm

Blogging is very new to me.  I understand what it is I am just not versed in HTML.   Please bear with me, I will seek to improve my blog look to draw interest from others to share my story.

Beautiful looking day outside today.  When I see such a beautiful day today it brings little joy.  There was a time when I was filled with excitement, inquisitive and bold. These qualities helped me make it this far.  I can’t seem to get in touch with any positive emotions now. The last 10 years have wiped me out both mentally and physically.

I am a real person. 

I am a widow of 20 years.  First question most people ask is why didn’t you marry again?  

Reasons:   

  1. Young girl in home, subject to abuse by unknown people
  2. No mate found without substance abuse or sexual abuse problems.
  3. I had previous problems with my relationships due to abuse so I have tread slowly and with deliberation
  4. I was diagnosed HIV+ in 1990, two years after my husband had been murdered. That was the biggest obstacle preventing me from connecting emotionally from the get go. I was always too worried about my personal responsibility and that I could never  be responsible for infecting another human being.  Not even my child.  She is NEGATIVE, thank you.   

I MISS MY DAUGHTER SO VERY MUCH

My daughter is the only ray of sunshine in my life and she is away at school now.  She is in Costa Rica.  We only speak once a week for 10 mins. or so. Her writing home skills are extra lite like most youth her age. She’s busy. I understand all that.  I just miss her because she is the only intimate friend I have today and she is the only human being on the planet who really cares about me.   It took a long time and many battles to know this but she is  my one true friend.

One of my biggest daily battles is:

EATING 

 

Finding, preparing and then forcing food in me to take medications.

I hate to eat alone. I miss sit down meals with others and having conversation and relaxation together.  I miss this so much that it is an effort for me to eat on my own.

I grew up living with a big Italian family and we always had huge meals and lots of family and lots of noise and goings on.

 

Help Me Pass with Dignity October 6, 2007

Filed under: Despair — diedonthevine @ 6:45 pm
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Today I start a world wide blog.  I am desperate for help with my immediate future.  My hope is for donations to pay for my CREMATION.  I will not have any money in my “estate” to pay for this one last earthly obligation and I just want enough $$$ to be cremated. I am at my wit’s end. 

Desperation                   LOST

Emotional unhappiness                          Alone

Physical breakdown                  Emptiness

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